guides
How to Calm an Angry Child: What to Say and Do
How to calm an angry child aged 5 to 8: what to say in the moment, what to leave unsaid, and a calm-down plan your child helps to write.
Give their body a job, keep everyone safe, and say very little until they've settled. That's how to calm an angry child in the moment: a stomp, a squeeze or a cushion to hit, with you calm and close by. The talking, the reasons and the plan for next time come later.
The aim isn't a child who never gets angry. It's one who knows what to do when it arrives. This guide is for ages 5 to 8: the six-year-old who has just lost a board game, not the toddler on the supermarket floor. For younger children, see our guide to tantrums in younger children.
Is it normal for a child to get this angry?
Anger is a normal feeling that tells a child something seems unfair or wrong. The NHS calls it "a normal and useful emotion", and says it only becomes a problem when a child's angry behaviour "becomes out of control or aggressive".
The NHS lists reasons a child may seem angrier than others. For this age they include seeing family members arguing, friendship problems, being bullied, struggling with schoolwork, and feeling very stressed, anxious or fearful about something.
The NSPCC puts it simply: "For children all behaviour is communication." YoungMinds, the children's mental health charity, adds that it's normal for children to find angry feelings hard to manage, because the part of the brain that helps manage emotions "is not fully developed until our mid-20s". So a six-year-old who explodes over a broken pencil isn't failing. They're six.
How do you calm an angry child in the moment?
To calm an angry child in the moment, lower your own voice, make the space safe, say less, and give their body a job: stomping, squeezing fists or hitting a cushion. Breathe slowly with them, then give them space before you check in. Here's how to defuse an angry child, step by step.
- Stay calm yourself. YoungMinds suggests a calm voice and open body language, for example not folding your arms.
- Clear the space. Move anything that could be thrown or broken. Then name the feeling and the limit together. YoungMinds' example is "it's okay that you're angry, but it's not okay to shout at me"; swap in hit, kick or throw as needed.
- Say less. The NSPCC says to "listen rather than try to fix things", and not to overstimulate them by asking too many questions.
- Give the body a job. The NHS suggests clenching and unclenching fists to ease tension. The NSPCC suggests redirecting them to hit a cushion rather than something that will hurt them or get damaged.
- Breathe slowly together. The NHS suggests breathing slowly and deeply. YoungMinds describes breathing out for a few counts longer than you breathe in. Our more breathing games to try together make this easier to practise.
- Give space, stay nearby, then check in. YoungMinds suggests gently checking in once they've had some space, then moving on.
What do you say to an angry child?
What you say to an angry child should name the feeling, hold the limit and offer a next step, in one or two sentences. Here are four common flashpoints at five to eight, with illustrative words to try. Swap in your own.
Losing a game. "You really wanted to win, and you're cross. That's allowed. Throwing the counters isn't. Let's stomp it out, then decide if we play again."
Homework. "This is really frustrating. Let's stop for five minutes and come back to it." YoungMinds offers a similar line: "This is really frustrating, let's take some deep breaths."
A sibling knocks over their model. "You're furious. That took you ages. I'll keep your brother out of the way while you calm down, then we'll look at fixing it."
Being told no. "You're angry I said no. The answer's still no, and you're allowed to be angry about it."
And three things not to say:
- "Calm down" on its own. It's an instruction with no how.
- "I'll tell your teacher." The NSPCC says not to threaten to tell a teacher or anyone else, as it can stop children trusting adults when they need help.
- A lecture while they're still angry. Save the reasons for later, when they can actually hear them.
Why your child should help write the calm-down plan
By five to eight, a child is old enough to help choose what they'll do when they're angry, and a plan they made is one they're more likely to use. YoungMinds says the more involved a child is in that discussion, "the more likely they are to engage later on".
The NSPCC suggests drawing an "anger firework" together when your child is calm: a firework with a fuse, the triggers that light it, and "the water that can cool their lit fuse". It also suggests agreeing a time-out word and an action plan together, so when the fuse is lit, they know what to say and what to do.
The NHS adds two things. Give anger a name and draw it (its example is a volcano). And help your child spot the early signs in their body: a faster heartbeat, tense muscles, clenched teeth, a fist, a churning stomach. "If you see the early signs of anger in your child, say so," the NHS says. "This gives them the chance to try their strategies."
Then write the plan down in three lines your child could copy. For example:
- My signs: hot face, tight fists.
- My word: "pineapple".
- My three steps: stomp, squeeze, sit.
What calm down strategies work for kids aged 5 to 8?
The calm down strategies the NHS suggests for children are: count to 10, walk away from the situation, breathe slowly and deeply, clench and unclench fists, talk to a trusted person, and go to a private place to calm down. It also says regular active play "can be a way to reduce or stop feelings of anger".
If your child likes a routine, here's an illustrative 60-second one that strings a few of those together. It isn't a cure. It's something to do, and a signal that the angry part is over.
- Stomp (about 10 seconds): ten big, heavy steps on the spot, like a giant.
- Squeeze (about 15 seconds): fists as tight as they'll go for a count of five, then floppy. Three times.
- Sit (about 25 seconds): butterfly pose, soles of the feet together, five slow breaths, breathing out a little longer than in.
- Rest (about 10 seconds): rabbit pose. Kneel, hold your heels, and roll forward until the top of your head rests on the mat, with most of the weight in the knees, not the head.
That's 60 seconds. Butterfly and rabbit are both marked into our Freedom Flow mat, so your child can find them by looking down rather than waiting for you to show them. If that would help, see the floor-pose mat. For more calm-down ideas, try mindfulness for kids or kids' yoga at home.
Calm at Grandma's too
The NHS says "children need consistency", and that everyone close to a child should deal with their behaviour in the same way. So give grandparents, childminders and the after-school club the same time-out word and the same three steps. Our mats roll up with a carry strap, and there's 10 per cent off two or more, so one can live at Grandma's. If she's after a present that gets used on an ordinary Tuesday, not just on Christmas morning, here are some presents that keep them moving.
Is it anger, or a bigger feeling underneath?
Knowing how to calm an angry child in the moment is half the job. Anger often sits on top of something else, and helping a child with big emotions means asking about that too, once they're calm. The NSPCC says anger "frequently masks other more vulnerable emotions like fear, hurt or frustration". YoungMinds draws it as an iceberg, with feelings like worried, hurt, scared, lonely, overwhelmed and sad below the surface.
Once it's over, ask: "Was it really about the game, or was something else bothering you?" If it's mostly worry, read our guide on when worry is the feeling underneath.
If you shouted too, that's repairable. The NSPCC says you can apologise and talk about it once you've calmed down.
When anger is more than a bad afternoon
The NHS says that if you're concerned your child's anger is harmful to them or people around them, you could talk to a GP, health visitor or school nurse, and a GP may refer your child to children and young people's mental health services. YoungMinds suggests getting professional advice if anger affects their daily life or relationships over a longer period.
You can call the YoungMinds Parents Helpline free on 0808 802 5544, Monday to Friday, or Family Lives on 0808 800 2222. If anyone is ever in danger, call 999.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for a 5 year old to be so angry?
Usually, yes. The NHS calls anger a normal and useful emotion, and YoungMinds says the part of the brain that manages emotions isn't fully developed until the mid-20s. It's worth a conversation with your GP or health visitor if the anger is harmful to your child or others.
What should you not say to an angry child?
Avoid "calm down" on its own, threats, and lectures while they're still angry. The NSPCC specifically says not to threaten to tell their teacher or anyone else, because it can stop children trusting adults when they need help. Name the feeling and the limit instead, and save the talking for later.
How do I stop getting so angry with my child?
Give yourself space too. YoungMinds suggests stepping back to calm down if you need it, and says it's understandable to feel cross. The NSPCC suggests modelling how you handle frustration out loud, and apologising if you lose control, because children often mirror how they see anger being dealt with.
How do you calm an upset child who won't talk?
Don't push. YoungMinds suggests giving space and not asking lots of questions while feelings are running high. Later, try talking side by side, on a walk or in the car, which can feel more relaxed. Sometimes a stomp, a squeeze and a sit says more than words do.
A floor half for the plan
Nothing above needs you to buy anything. If a plan with a floor half suits your child, our mats are designed for ages 3 to 8, with fifteen numbered poses laser-engraved in and no screen to follow. At 183 x 61 cm they still fit at eight. Each is £34.99 with free UK delivery: have a look at our full-length yoga mats for children.
